My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
