Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
