Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
