So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
