You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
