Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
