I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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