I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
