i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Acid is not a monday night drug
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
