just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
