My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize