don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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