You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
