i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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