I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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