It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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