my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
