Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
