i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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