Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize