I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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