My first STD was from a foam party
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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