My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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