all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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