Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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