Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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