dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
