oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I want you more than these girls want KFC
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
