its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
