When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
