while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well I just put wine in my tea
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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