ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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