she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
