I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
