bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Randomize
