Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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