Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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