Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
