She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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