ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
