I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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