My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
