I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You know, be my cock's hype man.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
