Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
