Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
