So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
