Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
