I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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