i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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