In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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