I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
