She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
