From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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