Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
