well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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