Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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