When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
