cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
