New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
