great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
