I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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