I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
