my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Vodka?
Forever.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize