JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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