I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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