The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
