living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
