Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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